Over-Apologizing: Strategies to End the Pattern

For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It irritates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that professional help might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or being seen, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.